Audiophiles across the world rejoiced at this year's Consumer Electronics Show in dirty-town Las Vegas. Apparently, 2004 is the year for the audio industry to make its mark on your bank accounts with groundbreaking mobile electronics and all things collar poppin'. To us, however, it's just the year of the monkey, which means that we need to stop following the Chinese calendar and make due with the Roman one. And once that happens, we'll soon realize how old we're getting and how fast our hearing is deteriorating (What?-JN), which, by the way, is all owed to this whole CES thing. We guess it's all refundable since the show houses the likes of Jenna Jameson, Leanne Rimes, Maxim calendar sweeties, '80s pop icons like The Bangles, and sweet import models. It's not like our vehicle's audio system affects our vision anyway, right? Besides, this year's CES was a definite exception to our usual stance of tradeshow repulsion. Everything except the marathon walk throughout the Las Vegas Convention Center was better than last year's, including the guy-to-girl ratio. So come take a pictorial tour with us and experience CES from the comfort of your own toilet seat, couch, bed, or jail cell. And check out the new products from your favorite audio company.
This Ain't Your Baby Momma:It's a rather arduous task taking pictures of women, when: 1) You're drooling, 2) You're flexing the little muscle you have, and 3) You're making sure you're all zipped up and don't have any boogers hanging out your nose.
Whip It Good:One can't attend CES and not check out the cars. You can skip the food, the ponytailed exhibitors, and annoying salespeople, but you cannot pass over the whips.
It'll Make Your Ears Bleed:This year's innovative products are most deaf, er, definitely the best in years past. It'll not only make you throw your hands in the air, but it'll also have the ladies calling you "Big Poppa."
Visit the SEMA enthusiast Web site: www.enjoythedrive.com
Alpine's Mini Cooper: Even we can appreciate it.
Alpine IVA-D300:Simply amazing! Alpine's IVA-D300 blew our minds away with its PulseTouch technology that uses vibrations, pressure, and sound to simulate the sensation of using real buttons on a touch screen. This product was so badass that it won the "Best of CES" Award in the automotive category from TechTV. You need to get one now.Hookup: 800/421-2284; www.alpine-usa.com\
Alphasonik PEX3B:Alphasonik's powerful PEX3B three-way crossover with parametric bass equalizer controls allows you to manhandle your system with no regrets. This is all you need to control the power of your ampliphers.Hookup: www.alphasonik.com
Audiobahn A3351:Audiobahn's classy head unit boasts a CD-R/RW playback, CD text, three-beam pickup, and CD changer control. Its display consists of VFT Vacuum Fluorescent Tube with a motorized slide-down front panel.Hookup: 714/988-0400; www.audiobahninc.com
Blaupunkt Chicago IVDM-7002:Blaupunkt's IVDM-7002 features an all-in-one in-dash flip-out 7-inch LCD video monitor, DVD/CD/MP3 player, and five amplifier channels. This powerful unit is an instant classic that only the audio geniuses at Blaupunkt could produce.Hookup: www.blaupunktusa.com
Clarion DXZ845MC:Imagine digitally recording up to six CDs in your car's head unit and playing them all with the touch of a button. Well, imagine no more because Clarion's DXZ845MC with Music Catcher technology allows you to conveniently play up to 80 tracks-digitally.Hookup: www.clarion.com
Boston Acoustics G5 Subwoofers:Boston Acoustics' new line of G5 subwoofers are available in both 10- and 12-inch sizes. They are also made for small-sealed enclosures so you'll have room in your trunk for other things like groceries, golf clubs, and little people.Hookup: 978/538-5000; www.bostonacoustics.com
"Ooh, you like that, don't you? Yeah."
Eclipse AVX 2494:Eclipse pushed the envelope with the AVX 2494, a virtual jukebox for your car. It can store up to 3,000 songs, and its 6.5-inch display features a touch-screen display, which means you can finally say you've touched a woman before. Yes!Hookup: 800/233-2216; www.eclipse-web.com
Bazooka RSA800.1D:Bazooka's Class D 800-watt monoblock subwoofer is its biggest to date. The amplifier is the ultimate power supplier for your ride, using Bazooka's expertise in mobile audio electronics. Wow!Hookup: 800/THE-TUBE; www.bazooka.com
Jaed Pinoy Master Blaster:Pioneer's new line of ugly head units debuted at CES, with the Jaed as the flagship product. Jaed boasts the most unattractive head this side of the Pacific Ocean.Hookup: 800/Pinoy; found on the corner of Hollywood and Vine
Kenwood KVT-915DVD:The Kenwood Excelon KVT-915DVD is an in-dash DVD-audio/Video AM/FM/CD/TV receiver that features a 7-inch color LCD video touch screen. It provides broadcast TV reception and 50 watts per channel. Nice! Hookup: 310/639-9000, www.kenwood.com
Lightning Audio Bolt Speakers:Lightning Audio's quality line of Bolt speakers is high performance, high adrenaline, and pure of fun. It'll definitely make your system perform better than it ever did, and it'll make it look better for your friends and car-show judges.Hookup: 888/881-8186; www.lightningaudio.com
Kicker SS-Series Component Systems:The new SS-Series component systems comes with a pair of midrange drivers and oversized tweeters that combine to make one very smooth sound inside your car. They also include grills, mounting hardware, and wiring harnesses.Hookup: 405/624-8510; www.kicker.com
JL Audio Stealthbox Subwoofer System:Designed to bring you and your vehicle an improved sub-bass performance, JL Audio's Stealthbox Subwoofer System can fit in a variety of tuner cars without any modifications. It's instant bump in your trunk.Hookup: 954/443-1100, www.jlaudio.com
MB Quart Discus Series Subwoofer Line:The magic numbers are 10, 12, and 15. Why? Because these are the inches of MB Quart's new entry-level Discus Series subwoofers. Using the famed MB Quart quality, these woofers can put the boom-boom in your ear-ear.Hookup: 800/327-3777; www.mbquart.com
Polk/Momo MMC-6500 Component Systems:Polk/MOMO's new component systems have woven carbon-fiber cones that provide an ideal balance of stiffness and low mass for the clearest sound. It also features 15-inch swivel tweeter housings. These component systems are some of the best in the industry.Hookup: 800/377-7655; www.polkaudio.com/car/
Phoenix Gold MPH10K Titanium Amplifier:The Titanium Elite MPH10K is Phoenix Gold's most powerful amplifier, producing 2,500 watts per channel for a total of 10,000 watts. Now that's enough power to make some nuclear-type sounds inside your car. Ka-Boom!Hookup: 800/950-1449; www.phoenixgold.com
Rockford Fosgate Power Speakers-Component Sets:Rockford Fosgate's line of Power component sets gives exactly that-power. Your car is sure to bump off its tires once you place these speakers in it, and it'll definitely have the ladies giving you some pumps in your bump once they hear it. Yes!Hookup: 480/967-3565; www.rockfordfosgate.com
Pioneer DEH-P8MP:If you're looking for the perfect head unit for your tuned vehicle, then look no further because Pioneer's DEH-P8MP could be the right one for you. This single CD player uses a seven-way rotary commander, larger screen with 3-D graphics, and high-power amplification. This is the unit for you!Hookup: www.pioneerelectronics.com
Q-Logic Bandpass Models:Q-Logic, a leader in car audio enclosures, debuted both a dual 10-inch and 12-inch bandpass model at CES. They offer large area ports to increase output and decrease port noise, and they look nice, too!Hookup: 800/762-0351; www.qlogic.ws
Sony XPLOD MEX-1HD:With a motorized tray, Memory Stick reader, and a hard drive that stores up to 165 hours of music, Sony XPLOD's MEX-1HD CD receiver can rip tracks at 8X speed and has CD text display. This thing is revolutionary.Hookup: www.xplodsony.com