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Super Street Tour 2004 South Leg - A Moveable Feast

Tour 2004, South Leg: The Annual Pilgrimage Through America's Flaccid Schlong

Roel Concepcion
Jan 1, 2005
Photographers: Wes Allison, Philip Royle
Sstp_0501_01_z+2004_super_street_tour+acura_integra Photo 1/1   |   Super Street Tour 2004 South Leg - A Moveable Feast

It's a simple formula, really. A traveling party of the craziest Super Street junkies rushes senselessly through traffic and numerous cities to get to one of the biggest car shows of the year, the NOPI Nationals in Atlanta. Riding along is a small team from the Super Street staff that helps host a couple of rest stops, including a bevy of nightly parties. In the end you have the diagram for the annual Super Street Tour, a week-long event more notorious for the lewd episodes it produces than the actual voyage itself.

This year's South Leg was the smallest and shortest Leg of the three-legged Tour, where the caravan of Super Street readers penetrated the inner regions of Georgia by driving up the vas deferens of Florida, which at the time was just massively gang-banged by the strongest hurricanes to ever salsa with Mother Earth. More deadly hurricanes loomed, making the South Leg the most intense convoy of the entire Tour because, in spite of it all, it managed to bring together the most passionate group of people since members of the Heaven's Gate cult castrated themselves.

The Leg's starting point was at HP Racing in Miami, where the customary preparty was held. A calm before the Tour storm, the preparty amassed around 50 show cars and a countless amount of people, including the usual chest-hairy Cubans with their chest-heavy Cuban girlfriends, who enjoyed the free food, music, and Tour 2004 giveaways. The hot and muggy climate also made an appearance and brought along tuner-loving mosquitoes that indiscriminately gorged away at the warm bodies. However, this year's South Leg offered something more than just the homicidal weather, Cuban eye candy, and West Nile-spreading mosquitoes.

For one, Nads finally caught on to my scheme of dodging this event for the past two years and sent me on the Tour for the first time, violently breaking my sensitive Tour hymen and forcing me to act as the sole editorial representative. Second, a set of blonde twins with a set of very large breasts, more commonly known as the Barton Twins (the girls, not the breasts), agreed to make the long drive to Atlanta. Third, being a big fan of any set of blonde twins with any set of very large breasts, I immediately planned on filling any free moment I had with attempts at getting these twins to take off their tops so they could give each other animalistic tongue strokes. In other words, all of the above more or less indicated this would be the most sexually perverted South Leg to ever embark on the Tour.

Day 1Miami to Daytona Beach: 283 milesThe first day of the South Leg promptly began at 8 a.m. in HP Racing's parking lot. Naturally, the usual suspects arrived on time. Hot and muggy apparently pulled in at the crack of dawn, bringing along with them steamy, sticky, and damp. It's fitting to feel as if you are on the surface of an actual dong when you travel across America's dong.

The crowd started off small with five cars making the Day 1 call time, including Alex Abadia's supercharged Honda Civic Si, which is also this month's Final Call feature.

Of course, I drove in style inside an '05 Acura RSX Type-S, which offered a lot in the comfy and power department. And it's always a good thing when a car manufacturer as big as Acura trusts you with a new car, especially when you know full well that (A) you don't have a driver's license, (B) you're an illegal alien, and (C) you masturbate while driving on long trips. I'd like to thank Acura nonetheless.

Sitting with me in the RSX were eurotuner's Phil Royle and Super Street photographer Wes Allison, both of whom worshiped the Barton Twins' breasts as much as I did. However, between our scientific discussions about the buoyancy of silicone, Phil strangely droned on about the proliferation of boy bands in the post-Jackson 5 era, which led me to believe that his booby worship was as fake as the boobies themselves.

Regardless, while I was driving and thinking about how great it was to be in the middle of all this excitement, rollin' with fanatical Super Street readers, all I really wanted to do was be in the middle of those breasts. Appropriately, the first lunch stop was at Hooters in Melbourne, Florida.

600 Ways to Get Jiggy with itThe overnight party was held, like always, at Club 600 North, where the Tour mob was treated to a Macky sighting and the first of many occasions where Roel embarrassed himself. With the help of Adrienne Roman, Super Street's regulator, Roel inexplicably found himself on top of the stage performing his best You Got Served dance moves. Later, he was found inside Lollipops, the nearest strip club, sleeping under the stage with a pacifier in his mouth. Visit www.superstreetonline.com for all of the embarrassing footage.

Day 2Daytona Beach to Atlanta: 434 milesAs soon as I stumbled outside of the lobby and into the parking lot, I was amazed to see that the small group of Tour fans had tripled in size in just one day.

Notably, it was Macky, Super Street's number-one fan, who further livened up the day by behaving like a true Super Street fan should: as creepy as possible. In the trunk of his dull-red EF Civic was every issue of the magazine neatly displayed in chronological order.

Our lunch stop for the day was at Enkei Wheels in Jacksonville, Florida. With boxes of pizza, a set by the oldest DJ in the world, and a welcoming Enkei staff, the stop provided the much-needed rest and food. However, it was the last place to stop if anybody on Tour needed to drain the weasel, as the Enkei staff refused to let anybody use the bathroom inside the building, citing that last year's Tour stop left a marred image for the Enkei execs.

The rest of the drive to Atlanta was filled with walkie-talkie action, which included my dirty conversations with Jennifer and Jessica Barton; my lessons in how to do the Admiral, Houdini, and Sticky Ricardo; and my hosting a round of $20,000 Pyramid featuring categories like breasts, sex, and undressing the Barton Twins. All of this, of course, contributed to Jennifer Barton finally agreeing to get naked once we reached the Atlanta hotel, as evidenced by the greatest Tour photograph ever (see boobies picture).

The final stop was at the Atlanta Motor Speedway, where all the participants were allowed to race their cars on the speedway.

SOUTH LEG MATHEMATICS
Total mileage 717
Injuries involving the genitalia 1
Number of Red Bulls consumed 55
Flashlights purchased to see silicone implants through a breast 2
Number of miles traveled to find flashlights 39
People who saw Jennifer Barton expose her twins 6
Number of traffic violations performed in the {{{RSX}}} 4
Number of traffic violations performed in the RSX caught on camera 1
SPF number of Phil Royle's suntan lotion 195
Number of stupid people who ate a chunk of wasabi 1
Number of times Adrienne Roman received a lap dance 6
Number of Filipinos who enjoyed seeing Adrienne get a lap dance 1
Casualties 0
By Roel Concepcion
50 Articles

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