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Ultimate Street Car Challenge - The Grandma Test

Jared Holstein
Feb 28, 2007
0403_sccp_01_z+uscc_grandma+dodge_viper Photo 1/9   |   Ultimate Street Car Challenge - The Grandma Test

The winter was long, cold and lonely for Grandma. It was only the memories of fast cars and faster men from past Ultimate Street Car Challenges, however, that comforted her gaseous bag of wrinkled flesh. Like a salmon returning to spawn, Granmere, sponsored this year by Depends, Craftmatic adjustable beds and The Clapper, kicked her Lil' Rascal into high gear and three-wheeled her way to K&N.

Who better to test the true civility of these "street cars" than the assemblage of inflamed nerves, hemorrhoids and epithets that is Grandma, as spouted from the passenger seat? Grandma even prepared a list to help future contestants prepare for her judgment: Grandma likes cars that are easy to get in and out of. She likes seatbelts that are easy to put on. She likes comfy seats. She likes quiet cars. She likes air conditioning. And heaters. Grandma likes radios, especially AM. She likes a smooth ride. And, mostly, she likes monkeys.

Protesting the vitamin-enhanced portions at Pretentious Palms Retirement Home, Grandma Paule attacked the taco truck parked at K&N Filters. Before we could protest, she pulled out her rolls of nickels and ordered up quesadilla la salmonella and empaadas de E. coli, which she housed with a rapidity usually associated with linebackers.

0403_sccp_02_z+uscc_grandma+depends Photo 2/9   |   Ultimate Street Car Challenge - The Grandma Test

After bystanders were treated for chemical burns resulting from the Frau's subsequent burp warfare, Grams was gased up and ready to put the USCC contenders to the test. Fearing for the resale value of competitors' cars, we supplied each with a can of ScotchGuard with which to treat their upholstery prior to a run in with the Superfund toxicity that is Grandma's ass.

"Surprisingly masculine for a former Miata owner," exclaimed the Grand Mama after a spin in Matt Edward's near-stock Supra Turbo, at which point she wiped her mouth. We didn't ask.

Grandma liked Chen's 350Z enough to give it second place. A fat wad of cash also spilled out of her purse as she exited the Z, which we can only assume was for services rendered.

"I could watch the 'Golden Girls' inside the car and outside the car." exclaimed a thoroughly impressed Gramsy after a ride or two in Rich's '97 blinged Supra.

Fourth place went solidly to Nick's Skyline, whose comfy stock R34 seats and Stanza-like exterior remind her of the car her Molly Maids drive. She didn't even spill her prune juice.

0403_sccp_03_z+uscc_grandma+feet Photo 3/9   |   Ultimate Street Car Challenge - The Grandma Test

"You killed Captain Kangaroo, you bastard!" uttered a disgruntled Hussy when she crawled into the sumptuous interior of Jay's Ultima, but was quickly wooed by the supple ride and V12 that purrs "just like my hand-held personal massager."

The S4 matched the Ultima's score withGerman refinement and a promise from AWE tuners Todd Sager and Mike Romano to let Grandma punish them like naughty little boys.

After a stint in Roy's stiffly sprung second-gen. Eclipse, Gramsy reported that she felt like "Sammy Sosa hit a season's worth of homers on my fanny," and despite the attempts to woo Grandma with custom curtains and a quilted hemmorhoid cushion, not much could be done to veil the fact that the Viper is, in fact, a weapon of fast destruction.

Over All
Grandma likes Skylines, apparently, even though she thought this one was a Sentra. She's not so keen on Vipers, though, even when they come with curtains, so the big snake slid to third, replaced by the television-wielding Supra. Next, we judge them from the driver's seat.

RANK CAR POINTS PEANUT GALLERY
1 {{{Toyota Supra}}} (green) 110 So comfy, Grandma fell asleep
2 {{{Nissan 350Z}}} 104 It's so yellow and makes so many toilet noises, Grandma peed in her Depends
3 {{{Toyota}}} Supra(red) 102 "Golden Girls" was on the TV
4 {{{Nissan}}} Skyline 96 Grandma got to meet Paul Walker's cousin!
5 Mitsu Eclipse(black) 88 Rock and roll devil music on the radio!
6 Ultima GTR 77 Was this the elevator in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"?
7 {{{Audi S4}}} 77 Grandma doesn't care if it's down {{{100}}} hp
8 Mitsu Eclipse (silver) 63 Made Grandma's wig fall off on big bumps
9 {{{Dodge Viper}}} 49 Hemmorhoidal relief cushion and rollbar curtains
10 {{{Toyota MR2}}} 10 Nice young man with a noisy car
By Jared Holstein
25 Articles

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