Fred Flintstone's jubilation when the whistle blows at the Slate Rock and Gravel quarry or the unfettered joy of a snot-nosed elementary schooler upon hearing the final bell at school is nothing compared to our hysterics when we sneak out of the office early on the day before rolling out to GM's Spring Break Tuner Bash. We don't get out much, and a big day for us is when we muster up the courage to eat lunch at the food court in the mall (it has a Great Steak and Potato Company and a Rubio's).
Even the new Daytona Beach law that bans thong bikinis and other revealing attire in public places couldn't keep us from having a good time. While we were a little bummed, we did manage to secure some backup outfits-the cutest little pink spaghetti string Von Drunk and Von Bitch tank tops. In all seriousness, we could not figure out the new law, which goes something like this: "...that portion of the buttocks which lies between the top and bottom of the buttocks, and between two imaginary straight lines...must be covered." It's a good thing Ricky wore his FBI (Female Bikini Inspector) T-shirt. It gave us an official air when checking the ladies for legal compliance.
This year, we were accompanied by David Ortiz, our Nitrous Express Editor For a Day contest winner. A state marshal delivered David's story along with a subpoena. It seems that, after spending a weekend with Super Street, Mr. Ortiz is suing us on the grounds of moral corruption. Oh yeah, David. We're counter-suing on the grounds that you're a stupid poopie head. Ha, we knew those online legal classes would come in handy. While much of our time in Daytona Beach was a Gator Juice-induced haze, we did manage to scribble some incoherent thoughts upon the top of a Pizza Dude pizza box. (And screw you, Pizza Dude, for giving us the squirts.-Staff) With that, we give you our manifesto.
I Am Not Too Old For Spring Break!
This year's GM Spring Break Tuner Bash was better than ever. For starters, I didn't end up face down in a pool of my own vomit, which is nice. In no particular order, here are some noteworthy items I remember from Tuner Bash. However, I have no recollection of how the "Free The Kickball 9" Old English script tat ended up on my butt.
The car show brought the usual assortment of four-wheeled lunacy, and way out on the fringe was Shawn Michael Lozy's WRX. Not only did this Sube have all the proper goods, it backed it up with a 600 whp @ 9,000 rpm dyno-mighty mark. We liked this Sube' so much we choose it for our Best of the Bash feature.
Another standout was the Chevy Cobalt SS serving as the centerpiece of the GM display. This car was fresh off its world debut at the Detroit Auto Show, and it isn't slated to hit showrooms until the end of the year as an '05 model. The GM people even took it one step further by inviting me to their top-secret Arizona proving grounds for an even closer look at this new ride.
Another big presence at the GM Tuner Bash was the Pioneer Scion xB. This chopped and widened orange crusher transformed into a rolling DJ booth at the press of a button. The only thing better than seeing this xB convert into an instant party wagon was watching Jonny's tear-filled tantrum after the xB's creator Troy Sumitomo from 5 Axis denied his request to "work the ones and twos."