The Best Thing Since Pants with Pockets

We pulled into the Mr. Tire parking lot during the way-too-early pre-dawn hour. We haven't even launched this odyssey yet and I'm already cooked. My recovery from a very long flight consisted of an evening filled with far too many banana daiquiris followed by two hours of sleep. If I could open them, I'm sure my eyes would have been bloodshot and the pulsating pain in my head was only matched by the constant chatter from Mike "Sign on the Line Which Is Dotted" Robleto.

But as we entered the parking lot, the pain and fatigue were quickly replaced with excitement and anticipation--at least most of the pain went away because the queasiness didn't leave until I choked down a couple of Krispy Kremes. Why the sudden change of attitude? Because on a nondescript Thursday at 6:15 a.m. this otherwise innocuous parking lot was packed with all kinds of Super Street rides. Some diehards even spent the night in their cars. You people are crazy--and we love that about you! There were enough cars assembled to dwarf some of the recent car shows we've attended and every single one of them was on hand to roll with The Tour.

I didn't know what to expect from The Tour when I landed at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. But I did know that Jimmy was coming into Dulles and the guys from our sister pubs eurotuner and Honda Tuning were flying into Baltimore. Four staffers, three different airports--another fine example of the well-oiled Primedia machine in motion.

After a thrifty $62 cab ride to Dulles, Jimmy and I did the tear-filled slo-mo run-'n'-hug reunion thing and waited for a ride from none other than PIAA's own Rob Brooks--thanks for the lift, Rob!

The Kick-Off Party
We started the North Leg of The Tour in fine fashion with a kick-off party at the Pep Boys in Bel Air, Maryland. The place was packed and the people from Fox constructed a mini drive-in to show a special screening of their show, Fastlane--although they did shoot down our request to fast forward to the Tiffani Thiessen scenes. Only slightly less impressive than Tiffani was the 25-foot Penske truck stuffed to the gills with a ton of free schwag. Robleto and his boys, Greg "Color Blind" Yamamoto and Derrick "Maverick Man" Yee, reveled in their popularity until they realized that the fervent mob only wanted the gear and not them. You people are crazy--and we love that about you! We had everything from lanyards and decals to limited-edition models and clothing. And let's not forget the best freebie of The Tour--the Goodie Bag (sidebar alert!). If you purchased an official Tour shirt we threw in one of our very stylish Goodie Bags for free--just because we're cool like that. Robleto also dusted off his trademark Fisher Price bullhorn and proceeded to bark orders at anyone who would listen.

Day One
The Day One starting point wasn't that hard to find as Yokohama brought out one of its rigs. We half expected to find Greg Evigan behind the wheel with his adorable little chimp. This thing was massive and the Yokohama crew even gave out a grip of freebies in conjunction with our Penske truck schwagstravaganza. Yok's Mark Richter even gave out an HPI RC car as a long-haul award to a guy and his club who came all the way out from Detroit. In a manner befitting our role as professional journalists, we never bothered to get that guy's name, so we just called him Detroit for the duration of The Tour--you rock, Detroit! I always wondered how The Tour began. Would a marching band lead us out of town, maybe fireworks, or a cannon blast, or possibly even a Blue Angels fly-by? Or maybe we would just hop into the lead car and take off while hundreds of cars struggle to keep pace--once again the well-oiled Primedia machine lumbers on. While Jimmy had to suffer the indignity of a ride with those philistines from eurotuner and Honda Tuning, and Yamz and Yee had to pilot the Penske, Robleto and I were treated to a trip in a trick Matrix (sidebar alert!).

In addition to the Goodie Bag with your official Tour shirt purchase, you were also treated to a Tour 2002 Passport that contains everything you need to know about the event--including detailed driving directions. Did I say detailed? What I really meant to say was vague and misleading. In a brief period of lucidity Robleto remembered to bring one serious AAA-approved deluxe road atlas. With hundreds of miles of open road there was plenty of time for photo ops. But as soon as I went out the window, camera in hand, so too did any semblance of common sense. Four cars abreast on a two lane was the norm as people jocked for a chance to get in the shot. You people are crazy--and we love that about you! There were times when I had to retreat into the cabin for fear of causing a calamitous multi-car crack-up.

Somewhere on the road, Christian Rado blasted by us in his stunning SC 430 only to lose a tire down the road. Knowing Rado, he probably exceeded the tire's maximum speed rating. Robleto somehow managed to pull the entire Tour over to assist because the spare was MIA to make room for Rado's sub enclosure. But the 20-inch tire was a complete loss and Rado was forced to wait for his crew in the big rig to arrive. Yeah, well we have an official Super Street big rig also. It just so happens, that during The Tour it was, um, at the shop having a novelty horn installed.

Our Day One lunch-stop was the Virginia Motorsports Park, which was gracious enough to give Tour participants all of the free quarter-mile passes they could handle. I wanted to run the Penske truck but Yamz and Yee said something about schwag giveaways and official Tour shirt sales. While they labored in the sweltering heat, Robleto broke out the 'horn and began shouting meaningless motivational slogans such as "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" Meanwhile, I was feeling a little peckish after my mid-morning nap and wandered off in search of food.

Our departure from the track was much like our exit from any of the other Tour stops. If you could envision the scene where the po-po bust in right after Dominic wins the big street race, then you'd have a good idea of our level of organization. You people are crazy--and we love that about you! The overnight party was held at the Four Seasons in Greensboro, North Carolina. Sparco hosted the festivities and we honored a couple's request to get married. You'll never believe who presided over the ceremony (sidebar alert!). The good reverend Robleto traded in the 'horn for the collar in order to rock the mike at the party. Once again, too many banana daiquiris conspired with not enough sleep to make me one unhappy camper at the onset of Day Two. The prospect of another day locked in a car with Robleto only made things worse.

Day Two
Day Two brought more of the same--memorable movie quotes, games of pull-my-finger and lots of U-turns and backtracking. Missing an exit isn't really such a bad thing unless you have 600 cars following you--then it gets downright ugly. Here's a brief excerpt from one of our conversations:

Robleto (still using the bullhorn even though we're in the car): John, where are we?

Me: Why, we're on The Tour Mike, don't you remember?

Robleto (quickly losing patience): No, John, on the map. Where are we on the map?

Me: (rapidly flipping through the Passport) I'm not sure, but we should see the Plaza Resort & Spa coming up on the right.

Robleto: That's the South Leg, John. That's the South Leg.

Me: Oh, sorry about that, Mike. I'm going back to sleep now. Be a good fellow and try not to swerve too much.

In my defense I have to say that I was hired as an editor and not a navigator. Really, who knew there wasn't a South Virginia?

Our Day Two midday stop was at GMP Performance in Charlotte, North Carolina. More giveaways, Tour shirts, and Goodie Bags and even more people and cars. Yamz and Yee busted their butts working out of the back of the Penske. I slept in the Matrix and Robleto made his public service announcements. At this point I was ready to run over Mike's bullhorn with the Penske truck--while he was still using it. As we crossed the Georgia border the gray skies opened up on us but, fortunately, the torrents subsided before we arrived at the Atlanta Motor Speedway. Like the cherry on top of a sundae, we capped off The Tour with some high-speed laps around the track for all of the participants.

After seeing The 2002 Tour firsthand, one thing keeps coming to mind. You people are crazy--and we love that about you! Without your support, we couldn't embark on this rolling party. For those of you who missed out, you haven't really lived until you've been on The Tour.

Tour Bagging
What was in those Goodie Bags exactly? And more importantly, how did they get filled? You could probably care less how they were filled but we wanted to tell you anyway because it was so much harder than what we normally do at work which consists of swooping, er, sweeping around the office. We spent the week before The Tour filling the Goodie Bags with all sorts of, well, goodies. If you bought an Official Tour T-shirt we threw in the bag for free--what a great deal. The bags were filled with pens, keychains, decals, brochures, catalogs, and coupons for even more goodies. Valvoline's coupons were good for a free case of motor oil. An added bonus was the cold, hard cash they gave to any Tour participant who applied the Valvoline decals to their car. We also wanted to give a special thank you to the people at Matrix who--for the second year in a row--allowed us to thoroughly thrash their warehouse with our slave labor assembly line.

Tour Gone Wild
While on the road, Jonny offered to show his junk to everyone he met, but sadly he couldn't find any takers. Fortunately for us, scenes like this were more common on The Tour. This is not to say we encourage this sort of thing (wink, wink). Far from it (wink, wink). In fact, we would rather not endorse or publicize any behavior of this sort (wink, wink). Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go to the doctor to have this involuntary eye twitch checked out (wink, wink).

It's a Nice Day for a Tour Wedding
We could hardly believe it when the e-mail hit our inbox. Dwayne Thomas and Sarah Starr wanted to get married--on The Tour! At first we envisioned some sort of rolling eighteen-wheeler flatbed setup but Robleto protested because the wind would ruin his finely coiffed 'do. However, Robleto did agree to have The Universal Life Church of California ordain him as a reverend. The ULC is recognized by the state of North Carolina, which happens to be where the North Leg overnight party took place.

On September 19, 2002, everyone on the North Leg gathered at the Sparco party to witness the coming together of Dwayne and Sarah. Lorette and Jerry Starr, the parents of the bride, gave away Sarah and Reverend Michael Francis even wrote a set of vows. There was a complete wedding party and cake and Jimmy almost caught the bouquet until he was boxed out by one of the bridesmaids. Music was provided by the infectious grooves of DJ Billy-E--you had to be there to experience his sick wedding march remix. Many of The Tour sponsors even gave wedding gifts to the newlyweds and Koenig went over the top with a set of wheels. We gave them a honeymoon trip to our upcoming Spring Break Tuner Bash in Daytona Beach. Without further ado, we give you Mr. and Mrs. Dwayne Thomas.

Whacha Gonna Do When They Come For You?
The Tour is all about having fun on the ultimate road trip/car show/party. And what could be more fun than getting a ticket or wrecking your car? Wait, that's not fun at all--unless it happens to someone you don't know. Then it's downright hilarious. In all seriousness, we want everyone who travels on The Tour with us to arrive in Atlanta citation-free and completely intact. But if you travel on your own and get pulled over, we'll be the ones honking and laughing as we drive past.

Enter the Matrix
Since Robleto just purchased a powder-blue Buick with an AARP license plate frame, he wanted to lead the North Leg with something a little more racy. South East Toyota came through with this Matrix outfitted by APC, Enkei, and most notably, four Bass in a Bottle subwoofers. Midway through The Tour we tired of trying to explain that the blue bottles in the back were subwoofers instead of nitrous tanks. A few people actually believed that our Matrix featured one of Paisley's Tundra V-8s with a rear-wheel-drive conversion--just a few. The rest merely laughed in our faces and dismissed us with a pitying nod of the head. It felt like any other night on the town for us.

The biggest bonus in the Matrix was the XM Satellite Radio. With a seemingly endless chain of channels, the XM allowed us to drown out Robleto when he started to reminisce about his days in Sacramento, where he would roll down to the Gas 'n Sip with his lowered mini truck. 0

After The Tour, It's the After Party

If you received a Goodie Bag on The Tour, then you found the dog tags contained within. While we wear them so the police know whom to call in case we stray too far from the office, they also served as an invitation to our final party presented by PIAA at the Vault in Atlanta. As the English would say, it was a smashing success of a party with dance contests, more giveaways, and even more banana daiquiris and less sleep for us. On a brighter note, Robleto's voice finally started to let go, making his pitch just a little less annoying--at least the dogs stopped howling.