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Everything stopped for NOPI's final installment of drag racing mayhem inside the searing quarter-mile track of the California Speedway in Fontana-bama, California. It was one of the most important drag events of 2003, only a close second to RuPaul's anti-climatic comeback to the pop music scene, but ahead of Nads' played-out "Rockin' As Women of the '70s" New Year's Eve party, highlighted by Jonny's Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" costume. Not only was this Mopar-sponsored affair a climax to a year filled with record-breaking runs, the return of bikinis with Brazilian cuts, and, of course, enough foam to pack the Pacific Ocean twice over, but it also fielded the entire set of sport compact dragsters, from blonde karate kids like Christian Rado to unpronounceable-name drivers like Ara Arslanian and George Ioannou. They all flocked toward the fountainless city named after fountains just to show the Southern California crowd how a quarter-mile is supposed to run: boringly fast. Though the majority of the drag racing fans didn't receive the memo, there were still enough present in the stands to see two different eliminations, as NOPI officials moved the rain postponed Houston Race Wars finals to this event, producing two Team Street Glow finals; a consecutive 10th win by Paul Efantis, who also won the Pro Street Tire Xbox Cup; and one of the fastest Integras in the world, piloted by Jojo Callos. The final Race Wars of the year also signaled the crowning of every points winner in each class. But like every other drag racing event, it wouldn't be anything without the half-naked beauties, also known as the bikini contestants. Nina of Long Beach, California, unquestionably won the final why-bother-with-clothes contest of the year, leaving the crowd, crammed with testosterone-heavy teenagers who acted like they never saw a woman in their lives, hornier than Kobe Bryant hanging out at a senior prom.

Pro Compact
Everybody who competed in the Pro Compact class made it into the semifinals. Not because they paid the officials off with Magna RX; rather, they all had bye runs in the first round. Why? Because there were only four friggin' contestants in the whole category, starting off with the what's-their-names, Ara and George, in their Toyota Solaras; the chicken choker, Matt Hartford, riding his Chevy Cavalier; and the only Russian-Mexican ever produced next to Jason Dienhart, Boris Rojas, mashing in his old-school Team Delirium '72 Datsun 1200. In other words, the first round was as boring as talking to a deaf person on the phone. And the same can also be said for the semifinals, as the four-man battle was as uncompetitive as Jonny Wong in a cat fight, with George pouncing on Boris like 90-proof Vodka on a 90-pound man, beating him with a 7.160 @ 195.14 run versus a 9.250 @ 137.890 turtle sprint. In the other combat, featuring Ara and Matt, a total of 16 seconds were run between the both of them, and it's not because both ran 8-second blitzes. Matt broke something in his Cavalier-perhaps an amplifier or subwoofer-and didn't even get a chance to finish the race, much less pass the 11/48-mile mark. So Ara blasted a Boris-like pass totaling a whopping 16.840 @ 57.780 mph. As anticlimactic as the first two rounds were, one can only expect a home run final, especially with Team Street Glow staging up on both lanes, right? Bleh! Ara red lighted because he was too anxious to get his cash winnings, while George flashed off with an impressive 7.080 @ 197.220 dash. Maybe the lack of participants was caused by Ara's evident stronghold on the Pro Compact championship, which he won over his teammate, George, after the race. Congratulations, Ara! How 'bout droppin' some coin over here or over thurr?

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