Hot Import Nights - Mid Night Marauders

The fire seems to have gone. Hot Import Nights is like my bathroom light switch of the small man with the exposed penis that turns the lights on and off-it's a novelty that needs to be thrown away. I've experienced more HINs than I care to remember, and as I walked through Atlanta's Georgia International Convention Center, it seemed everybody who attended felt equally required as I did to be there. It looked as if the fans went because it was there. It's like staying at home on a Saturday night and burping the worm profusely-it gets to be second nature. And, unfortunately, that's what has happened to HIN. It's done and overrated, kind of like Jessica Simpson. But on the bright side, since HIN's appeal is officially finished, you can now stay at home and charm the cobra even more. Thanks, HIN!

Scene: Hot Import Nights; Market Hall; Dallas
The Dallas Hot Import Nights was the precursor to the Atlanta show, which means it was a tad bit more interesting, even if it looked, smelled, and was presented the exact same way. So rather than BS you about how much fun it was to see the same exact pole dancers on stage, I conjured up a list:

Ten Things I'd Rather Do Than Be At A Hot Import Nights Show
(1) Feed my goldfish
(2) Read Moby Dick and count the number of times the word dick is used
(3) Make love to an electrical socket while using a jimmy hat as a conductor
(4) Scratch my ass...and smell my fingers afterward
(5) Bake cookies and give them to the homeless
(6) Jump off a 10-story building to prove to my friends that you cannot survive without breaking some bones
(7) Write Santa Claus a letter and wait for his response
(8) Watch, all at the same time, old footage of championship cliff diving, bass fishing, the sequel to Weekend at Bernie's, and soccer
(9) Walk up to a group of Long Beach's scariest Crips and tell them the color blue is "so 2003"
(10) Lick Nads' man tiddies, sleep with Jonny, play shoe slap with Ricky, and remove my lower ribs so I could toss my own salad