It would've made more sense if we heard that a turbocharged Acura NSX was bangin' 590 horses to the wheels, boosting all of 29 psi, and ready to rock a road course's chicanes with bodonkadonk kisses. That story would, at the least, bolster any dim-witted wagers that we would've placed inside the local dyno shop. (For the record, I'm currently winning the Super Street Guess That Car's Horsepower game...hey, at least we're not betting on who on staff is going to get laid first; that's like putting money on who, in your circle of friends, will get the first stab at Hillary Duff...ain't going to happen). So picture our faces when we heard of Paul Ho's '94 Honda Civic Si bumpin' 590 horses with a turbo that's spittin' up to 29 psi and a suspension system that rivals the NBA's. It wasn't pretty, that's for sure. For one, this Civic shouldn't be producing so much chedda'; metaphorically speaking, it's a midget with a king-size bozack and a clean choda to boot. It's something so unnatural that no reasonable explanation can be given, save the needless dwarf and choda reference, and, perhaps, the following article.
Showered with a subtle golden hue, the Civic is an understatement on wheels. Aside from the extremely large intercooler, the Civic shows no sign of 590 ponies riding under the hood. In fact, we would've speculated, at most, 300 hp, placed the usual $2 down, and waited for the dyno sheets to roll out, but we would've definitely lost our stripper's tip. As the head of R&D at Injen, Paul, unlike the rest of us, knows the difference between a dipstick and a jizz pipe, so it's no surprise that his Civic actually goes fast. "It took six months to finish and one year to decide what setup to use," said our Civic expert. And obviously, the setup he picked was the correct one. Inside the 1.8L block, a balanced and blueprinted crank, pistons, rods, and flywheel help the GReddy T78 slug spin like a stripper on a pole, minus the tasty residue. According to the people who know Paul, this Inca Pearl-colored nuclear bomb is his favorite sister from his sorority of boosted vehicles, from an '89 BMW 325 to a '98 Acura Integra.
And we don't blame him either. This automotive phenomenon is the nastiest thing we've ever shot on film, next to the time Jonny gambled away his Ben Sherman blouses (Stop getting angry, Jonny. You know where you got those shirts, and it damn sure wasn't the men's department.--Staff) and had to pose nude for our digital Rebels. Bleh! Paul says, "It cost around $25,000 to build, and it now has an estimated value of $35,000." Can you say wow? With that kind of cha-ching, you can buy the entire state of Rhode Island with a replica of Plymouth Rock as a token of gratitude, or, at least, a lifetime's worth of champagne-room lap dances. He adds: "Be patient when building something like this. It's not as easy as you think. It takes a lot of time and money." On the contrary, Paul. All we'll need is a tow truck and a key to your garage, but we won't stoop that low. After all, we've already resigned ourselves to an existence of broken cars, wet dreams, and penile enlargements.
So what's inside the cockpit of this hatchback haymaker? Well, look at the pictures, and we'll guide you through the process. Those seats are Sparco Torinos, but you should know that already; it does say "Sparco" on them. Sitting in front of the buckets are GReddy gauges ranging from oil pressure to air/fuel ratio. Screwed down on the passenger-side floor are the MSD 7AL-2 ignition and Odyssey battery.
Needless to say, there will be no bumpin' uglies on that side of the car, or the backseat for that matter because there's a custom rollcage, match-painted and color-coordinated with the car, which brings us to the car's stiffness. Riding on top of an APEX'i damper system, this Civic is sure to cut you off on the freeway without any regrets. That's when you'll also notice the 15-inch Mugen RNRs laughing at you because: 1) You can't afford them and 2) You're too damned slow!
We know you're on your way to your computer right now to type up a letter to Loud & Clear, screaming how you're tired of seeing Civics in the magazine, but you have to remember that this isn't your average Civic. Unlike yours, this actually goes fast, looks good, painted, wasn't a graduation gift, has functional aftermarket parts, has black wheels (and not removed hubcaps), uses purchased (not stolen) pieces, and it doesn't smell like foot and ass.