Have you ever wondered why this section of the magazine is called "Car Jacked"? We really don't jack anything. This department deals with companies that willingly give their cars to us. What the hell is up with that? There's nothing really interesting going on at all. If we're supposed to jack the car, we gotta really do it. But that requires some kind of well-planned scheme, which we're nowhere capable of plotting. That's why we had to call up our Florida hottie homechicks, the Barton twins, to do the job. Nobody on staff can be as persuasive as these two, probably because they're way hotter than we are. We also secured the evaluative services of Eiji "Tarzan" Yamada, who served as our guest editor.
We've had our eyes on the turbocharged AEM/DC Sports Civic Si for a long time now. Aside from the flashy Santini paint job, this car packs a mean punch under the hood. The factory Si motor was yanked out and replaced with an RSX Type S engine and a six-speed tranny. That engine swap alone would have been enough, but this is AEM and DC Sports, so they had to go all out. Over in Coronatucky, the DC Sports posse fabbed up an exhaust, downpipe, and a crazy manifold to mount the exhaust.
The rest of the engine was taken care of by Lawson and his boys. Cam sprockets, EMS, intake, fuel delivery--you know, the usual spiel. The boost was only set at 7 psi and the car made 263.7 hp, which is 123.7 hp more than a stock Si. Now you know why we want to jack this biznatch.
This is a street car, which means we put it through our usual Super Street style of testing. That means LA traffic, drive-throughs, parking lots, and all that real-world-type crap. In case you forgot, that's how we evaluate street cars. Face it, LA streets are bumpier than Jimmy's ass cheeks. With the Progress Group suspension set up and Toyo RA-1 tires, the Civic definitely passed our tests. It's not often you'll find a fast car that handles well and doesn't ride too stiff. The car never died or acted up either, which is a definite rarity. Yup, if you're going to jack a car, this is the one. Actually, we wouldn't recommend it because Al Bundy, er, AEM's PR thug Lawson Mollica will probably knock you out and use you as a cotton swab. That's why we sent our twins to get it. Now we just gotta figure out how to get it back to AEM.
For more on these beautiful twins, click on www.bartontwins.com
"That's right, ladies, this baby is turbocharged. I can pick the motor up over my head, too. That's how my neck got so big. Is one of you grabbing my ass?" | 
"What a chump. He thought I was grabbing his ass. I almost grabbed his Dodge keys by accident. You look really good right now. I know we're sisters and all, but, well, never mind." |
"Wow, you're really strong. Why do the Super Street guys call you Al Bundy? And why are you still wearing your high school football jersey. Aren't you, like, 50?" | 
"Yup, five touchdowns in a single game. Even now, 20 years after I got kicked out of high school for drinking motor oil, I have not accomplished anything greater." |
"OK, go long. Really long. And, uh, watch out for that pickup truck. Keep going. Almost there. A little more." | 
"Ha, sucka! We're outta this dump. Thanks for the car. Me and sissy are gonna go raise some hell." |
"Hey, sissy, how much in tips did you make? I need to go pick up some lotion; that pole was really chafing my skin. I'm glad they didn't have the KY Jelly wrestling pit open today." | 
"Ah, so sorry. Prease do not crash this car, Mr. Valet-san. We're going to our suite to take a bubble bath--really." |
"Damn, we got this car really dirty. We better wash it before we take it to the Super Street guys. You know how much of a neat freak old man Nads is. Try not to soap up my huge jugs, sissy, 'cause you're gonna have to come wipe them off with your bikini top." | |