Sometimes, life can be downright scary. Just take a look outside. See that cloud of industrial waste pluming above the city? That might give you emphysema one day. Hear that noise? That's an Orange Alert siren tipping you off to the fact that you could be blown up at any second. And just under that? That's Russell Crowe's new rock record, which is guaranteed to drive your head straight into a wall. And over here-see the television? That's Jackass: The Movie on DVD, which shows the most homoerotic men who ever existed giving themselves concussions so they can strut around in g-strings and enjoy carrots unnaturally in a group setting. It's more than scary-it's enough to make you buy duct tape and seal your windows shut with thick slices of green-olive bologna.
However, since not everyone can afford deli meat, let alone duct tape, we have to do something else to distract ourselves. You know, to have some sense of normalcy. But what could that be? Watching Geraldo dive to the ground and take cover beneath a pile of children's flak vests while coalition troops cook up a bag of popcorn? Hmm, entertaining, but still unnerving. How about scouring the Internet for the latest surf report only to be redirected to Greenpeace sites that depict poachers cramming baby harbor seals into 4-ounce jars? No, no, that's not soothing at all. Oh, but maybe-yes that's it! Maybe we can flip open a Super Street and read all about Ryan Ordinario's old-school '90 Honda Civic Si! Yes, that sounds wonderfully calming. In fact, that sounds like a Vicodin milkshake with horse-tranquilizer whipped cream and a morphine cherry on top. Yummy!
If you look closely, you'll see that your thumbnails are dirty and need to be cut. If you move your head back a few inches though, you'll notice that this is no ordinary Civic. Yes, we say that frequently, almost as often as Conan O'Brien says that he's got a really great show tonight, but we really mean it this time. Why? Because it serves our purpose, that's why. And it's also really cool to think that Ryan's last name, Ordinario, means "ordinary" in Spanish, and yet we just said that this is no ordinary Civic. Yeah, so you can step off, Slim Shady, because we're spittin' poetry here. That's right, exactly the way Ryan did when he created this JDM extravaganza.
Oops, there's that acronym again. Sure, you may think it's sooo 2001, but you just haven't been paying attention to the world outside, have you? Don't you know what's old is new? It's true. What was hot-off-the-scene cool in '01 is now vintage-groovy in '03, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. In fact, we're going to slip into a pair of khakis, flip on Shallow Hal, discuss voter card chads, and blare the HNSYNC because we really want you to get in the mood. Ready?