Once upon a time, an entire country was besieged with little leprechauns in leopard-skin jumpsuits, swearing to kill everyone who wore cheap cologne. Blah, blah, blah... and the man who walked through the desert with a horse with no name flew into the air and everyone was saved. The End.
Yes, it happens every time. Reading books is as boring as watching hairs grow during puberty. In reality, all we need to know is who got shot, who got caught, and when the movie version's coming out. But that same premise doesn't hold true with the hell-on-wheels you see here. If this yellow 5Zigen Integra Type R were a novel, it would be Joyce's Ulysses and Homer's Odyssey combined, sprinkled with intuitive liner notes and a Mickey Mouse bookmark. It has more potential than a 7-foot Chinese man palming a basketball, more curves than Jennifer Lopez wearing nothing but plastic wrap, and more power than an Iraqi with oil. Whether you call it a Honda Integra, an Acura RSX, or Astinkus Blasterosus, this machine is off-the-chain like a dog in heat. And to kick the story off is the obligatory list of performance products. So here they go:
OK, on second thought, we'll leave that to Fast Facts because with this car, the writing's on the wall, and it says: "It's not 'How high are you?' but rather 'Hi, how are you?'" Oh, wrong bathroom stall. Rather, it says...damn, I can't read Japanese! Well, this is what the officials at 5Zigen had to say: "Almost all the parts are prototype or race-special parts." In other words, this DC5 puts the "sweat" in Pocari Sweat, the "fun" in fundamental, and the "yell" in yellow. Check out the roll call on this sucka, starting with 5Zigen, the owner and guilty party. It's a venerable list of tuning companies that 9 out of 10 readers would sell their left testicle to work for, plus they make parts so sweet, Honda owners around the world are getting painful molar cavities. For example, we have ARC's big-capacity three-layer radiator cooling down the race-ready K20A, a 5Zigen Atomic Fire Ball lightweight exhaust system chugging away the spent air, an ATS LSD keeping the Type R in between the barricades, and a JIC coilover N1 race suspension for those nasty track potholes. "But what about the horsepower and torque numbers, Uncle Ro-Dogg?" Slow your roll, my little friend. You have to learn to crawl before you can walk, so we'll start off the session with a lesson on the DC5's sticky rubbers. Lesson #1: Dunlop FM901 tires help the Integra embrace every street corner, track bend, and coked-up Japanese stock broker. Lesson #2: Do not eat yellow ice.
Moving up the chassis, you'll see the C-West GT wing, giving the driver an air of confidence while giving the air a swift kick in the jewels by slicing it in half. Going down, you'll smell the sweet fragrance of hot brakes. Yes, those are Endless brakes helping the Dunlops stop, causing the GT wing to pause its air ass-kicking. Are you following along? Good. Now, check out the solid 5Zigen FN-01R forged wheels, made to mash through highway lanes in directions unheard of while providing you with the ultra-comfort and safety that you so desperately need. Now that's comprehensible, ya dig?
No? Well dig your eyes into the interior of this yellow behemoth. If you can, please admire the fine lines of the 5Zigen rollcage; swerve your sights to the veneer of the high-tech dashboard, complete with digital readouts and switches; and try to feel the pleasant ruggedness of the Bride seats and Takata harnesses. Indeed, heaven is upon you and God is saying, "Wake the f@#$ up and get the hell outta of my car!!"