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Life & Times OF J. Carter - April's Edition

Tuning timetable:The right order

Carter Jung
May 1, 2007

Very few things really irk me in life. OK, so maybe a handful of them. When it comes to tuning cars though, I try to appreciate the owner's efforts in expressing their personal taste. You have to respect that their car, no matter how funky looking, is a result of their hard-earned cash and effort. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder-like your homie who thinks his girl is hot and she's really not and you don't have the heart to say otherwise. But, and that's a loud, reverberating but, there are tuning taboos I can't stand. And this month I'd like to go over one of them: tuning timetable.

Back in the day, in my day anyway, there were unwritten steps to "fixing up" your ride; it was like common sense. The first thing you'd do was lower your ride-cut your stock coils or buy springs. Hell, coilovers at the time were stuff of Star Wars fantasy. The thought of raising your car to sign off that fix-it ticket without having to insert sketchy rubber spacers or reinstall stock springs was as plausible in the mid-'90s as purchasing a lightsaber for home defense.

But I digress, once you lowered your ride you had several options: muffler, PIAAs, Fuba, etc. Like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, the future was up to you. If you were a baller you could opt for door number four and skip ahead: wheels. This was crucial because procuring a set of rims unlocked a new, albeit show, path that was previously unavailable: a body kit. More specifically, a painted body kit.

These days I see some stuff on the road that forces a look of disgust, like I just caught whiff of an ovulating orangutan's queef-during a yeast infection: Rides rocking primered body kits, to stock-height cars with enough wheel gap to fit Kirstie Alley's ass cheeks (yes, both of them), to bone-stock Pontiac Aztecs, the list goes on and on.

So consider this a step-by-step modification guide: Step 1, lower your car. Step 2, buy wheels. Step 3, buy a body kit. Step 4, paint the body kit. Step 5, install the newly-painted body kit.

As far as all the other mods go, feel free to sprinkle them in after Step 1. Everything else sort of falls into the gray area-like the primered, waiting-to-be-painted bumper not on your car.

By Carter Jung
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