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Usual Suspects - May 2009

Contributors And Unsavory Characters

May 1, 2009

You like random? So do we. Nothing says "what the..." like a bunch of JDM scooters and motorcycles. Big ups to our help for the month.

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Henry Dekuyper
Henry is a world traveler, an interior decorator, a self-proclaimed "taco slut," made of 100% natural fiber, an avid fan of the Scissor Sisters, a coin collector and a part-time photographer. His favorite thing to do, however, is watch old episodes of "Heroes," while eating a can of Chef Boyardee, sitting atop a 2500-watt generator and reminiscing about the Irish Angel figurine he bought at the flea market. Some say it's not normal, but we don't find anything wrong with the Scissor Sisters.

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Tetsuya Ogushi
As of this writing, Tetsuya is packing his bags in Japan and headed to MILF heaven, better known as Los Angeles. He will be taking with him an autographed photo of Chuck Norris as Nash Bridges, a used hearing aid, a worn Paulie Walnuts pantsuit, and a copy of Benjamin Franklin's famous book "The Philadelphia Trouser Snake." What he won't be taking with him, however, is a toothbrush. That's because the Japanese don't brush their teeth.

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Ben Oh
Most people don't know this but Ben is a mastermind behind the keyboards, guitar, and sometimes the flute, and is able to play any tune from Stevie Wonder to Alicia Keys. What we didn't know, however, was that Ben opts to play the best of Lance Bass any chance he gets. This is because Lance Bass is Ben's muse. Just don't ask Ben about it; he'll kick your ass.

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Dino Dalle Carbonare
Dino Dalle Carbonare may sound like an Italian dish made of pescatore and parmesan cheese, but he's actually a hand-crafted necklace made with shimmering solid sterling silver. He was transformed into a male model in the early '80s to combat the rising star that is Mel Gibson. Though Mel ultimately won that war, Dino won the battle by posing as Mel's anti-semitic voice. Mel and Dino have never been the same since.

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Scott Steinberg
Scott is the video game nerd that we'd all like to be if video game nerds were cool, respected and got more dugout than the New York Yankees. Since video game nerds are none of the above, we hide the fact that we play our Xbox 360s nightly and occasionally masturbate to Olivia Munn wearing French maid outfits. We just tell people that we're psychotherapists who have an affinity for putting live hamsters inside their underwear.

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Roel Concepcion
If it wasn't for the intense shock treatment Roel received twice last month, it would've been impossible to stop him from continuing on with his diabolical tirades against Hmongs, the homeless, and full-freedom comfort bras, causing more hell with advertisers, readers and the venerable West Highland White Terrier. As a result, Roel is more subdued this month, promising to fulfill his dream of finally cashing in his Planned Parenthood gift card.



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