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 |   |  Nicolette Lacson - Rhyme Or Reason
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Nicolette Lacson - Rhyme Or Reason

Up Close And Personal: Nicolette Lacson

Carter Jung
Jul 1, 2008
Photographer: Holly Gratner
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Rhymes are fun. What better way to poke fun at your peers than by asininely using parallel syllables to jest. Tank goes with Frank like molester does Chester and beagle flows with Smeagol. Linking them is exponentially effective. Example: Carter the farter thinks he's so smarter. Not necessarily grammatically correct but you get the idea.

How bout Nicolette? There's cigarette, but even closer is GlaxoSmithKline's Nicorette, the nicotine-infused, absolutely nastiest chewing gum concoction ever made. It's the oral equivalent of what happened when ass met dirt and then decided to swan dive into a chewable-sized serving of malleable rubber. Gross. Their so-called flavors? Fresh Mint, Cinnamon Surge, Fruit Chill...don't let their confectionary monikers fool you, it's like adding seasoning to soil-far from palatable. Even the great Bourdain would likely have some Nicorette reservations.

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The single good thing to have come from the abominable Nicorette invention is-besides giving Wrigley's something to laugh at-it rhymes with the ultra hot Nicolette, and thus giving an inane intro to this almost-didn't-make-it-by-deadline interview.

How was the Miss Philippines USA pageant?
It was fun! I really enjoyed being around other women who all shared the same goal: World Peace! [Laughs]. I placed Second Runner Up and enjoyed every minute of it.

So if something were to happen to the winner-a la grassy knoll, magical bullet theory, and LBJ-by default would you then be crowned?
No, because the First Runner Up would have taken her place, although I would have loved to!

Have a suitcase full of unmarked bills? I know some people who know people, uh, never mind. What's the Miss Philippines Tourism San Fernando Valley pageant all about?
Miss Philippines Tourism was a pageant that I won back in 2002.

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It was a gathering of the Filipino community in the San Fernando Valley. I remember I had a beautiful turquoise dress; I looked like a mermaid.

A little mermaid perhaps? 'Cause I, like, totally want to be part of your world. On the subject of your world, are you from the Valley?
I grew up mostly in Glendale and Burbank...does Glendale count as the Valley??

I'm from Glendale! And for the record, I like to think that we're not part of the heat prone Valley. Favorite Valley Filipino restaurant: Goldilocks or Pinoy Pinay?
Neither. I don't really eat Filipino food unless my mom's the chef! Wait, what is Pinoy Pinay anyway? You're not even Filipino, how do you know these things?

Like I said, I know some people, who know some people. Teach me something in your native tongue, Tagalog. Ooh, I just said tongue.

Everybody knows all the bad words in Tagalog, so I will teach you something nice to say to a woman. Maganda ka which means you're beautiful. Carter, you should try it next time.

Maganda ka, can you cook?
Cook, hmmm...a little bit. I'm very meticulous, or I guess you can say picky when it comes to my food. I eat very healthy, which explains why I do not eat Filipino food very much. I do not eat any meat besides fish. I'm a "vege-quarian." I heard that from my girl Cherie. I love sushi!

How about Chincharron?
No way!

Fried pork skins...gag me like a spoon, what foods make you gag?
Anything with meat in it, especially red meat, so no steak houses for me!

Boo! You went to FIDM, how was the experience?
I absolutely loved it! It was like being in a fashion show everyday. I learned a lot from Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising (FIDM) and now I've been using what I've learned at college in my own business. I just started my own bikini line called LolliMe. I cater to mostly petite women, like myself. My bikinis, as of right now, only come in one size, but the one size fits most women I know. I've always had trouble finding bikinis that fit me, so one day I got so sick and tired of it, I started to make my own.

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Elaborate on your humanitarian efforts?
Whenever I have free time I volunteer at animal shelters or at these organizations that help find dogs and cats homes. With the whole economy crashing and all, people who lose their homes are moving into apartments and many are forced to give up their animals. All the animal shelters are over populated as is, and most of the dogs and cats are waiting to be adopted. So if you are reading this, please check out your local animal shelter and adopt!

I also have adopted myself. A little yorkie named Scooter. He's a great little addition to my family. My other yorkies are PeeWee and Nemo, they are all the loves of my life! I cannot live without them.

If there was an extinct animal you could bring back what would it be?
It would have to be the Smilodon, my friend Erik taught me the scientific name for the saber-toothed tiger. They were the most unique large cat to ever inhabit North America. They were beautiful!

I'm all about bringing back the Liger. Road kill, your thoughts?
Heartbreaking! I cry every time I see a dead animal. Whenever I see a stray cat or dog I try and catch them, or I call the animal control because I am afraid they will get run over or hurt. Back in high school I used to drive around my neighborhood and find stray animals and bring them home. Animals are my weakness for sure!

So was Han Solo cutting up a Ton-Ton to keep Luke from freezing justifiable?

You know Empire Strikes Back, its turning night and, ahh, never mind. A celebrity who you would totally own in an epic battle of thumb war?
Scarlett Johanssen or Rachel Bilson. Actually I'm lying...I would just like to hold her hand. I'd let either of them win. They're so hotttt!!!

You know what's hot? Closet lesbian tendencies. Any crazy stalker stories?
Oh man! Awhile back I had this crazy guy watch me in the window of a restaurant I used to work at, for hours! He would follow me to my car in a black hoodie and stand in front of my car. It was terrifying! Also, once in awhile I get really weird mail from this guy. I don't know who he is. But nothing too crazy yet!Thank god!

[Zipping bag to conceal the black hoodie] So hypothetically, let's say this stalker was to follow you home and peer through your window, what's the sexiest outfit he'd see you in?
A man's t-shirt and boy shorts for sure.

Your ultimate fantasy?
I'll never tell....

Well, how about a good joke?
I am the worst at telling jokes. I am one of those people who mess up and have to start over three times and laugh before I finish the joke. I am not actually funny. There was this one time I had an audition for a comedy talk show and it was improv. The camera men were like, who is this person? It was embarrassing!

What do you look for in a guy?
He has to be intelligent and funny, since I'm not so funny. I do love to laugh! Good hygiene is a must and a guy who is family oriented. My family is everything to me!

Your favorite sport?
Gymnastics! I was a gymnast for nine years.

Bendy? Nice! Most embarrassing moment?
When I was about 9 years old, I was in my school talent show dancing to "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark. Don't laugh Carter; you know you used to love that song! [Laughs] OK back to my story, in the middle of the climax of the whole dance, I totally fell in front of everyone. So embarrassing!

Don't worry. I won't tell anyone. Let's play a game where you pick an answer. Let's start with apple or orange?
Can I have both?

Sure, why not. Coke or Pepsi?

7UP or Sprite?

McDonalds or Burger King?
Neither, but if I had to pick one probably McD's for their fries! Yummy!

FYI, the yummy-ness comes from the fries being packed in beef fat. True story. Or at least that's what a Hindu friend told me. Domino's or Pizza Hut?
Pizza Hut! Cheese, please!

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Vanilla or Chocolate?

White or Black?

Racist! Kidding! Length or width?
Umm, width? What's this supposed to mean?

Yes! Thank you for not crushing your fellow Asian kind! Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag?

GT-R or NSX?
What's a GT-R?

Boo! Show car or race car?
Race car. I have a thing for race car drivers.

Thong or G-string?

Gs up or Hoes down?
What does this mean? I'm so lost.

Never mind. Last, but definitely not least, boobs, real or fake?
All real! Nobody ever believes me. Thought this question would come up at some point, it always does!

By Carter Jung
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