Color Me Happy
A buddy of mine just made the mistake of moving in with his girlfriend, and the problems have started. Today he showed up wearing a pink shirt; he said pink is this season's red. To make matters worse, he has color coordinated his entire wardrobe. This implies two things: One, his girlfriend must fold and put away his laundry, because I just pull my clothes off the floor, and two, things are supposed to match. Think of it in car terms. You'd never want a red hose joined to a purple one. That's why Street Beat Custom designed an entire line of colorful radiator and vacuum hoses. The hoses come in red, blue, yellow, silver, purple and black, so you'll never have to worry about your hoses not matching. The hoses are available in many lengths. The inside diameter ranges from 1/8 inch to 1-1/4 inch, so you can use them on either stock or high-performance vehicles. You won't have to worry about the hoses melting, because they've been tested in adverse temperatures up to 550F. They even outperform stock hoses. The hoses tip the scale at $59.95. Before you paint the town, head over to www.streetbeatcustom.com or call (800) 420-5060.
Let's Have A 5-Way
The pun on 5-way is obvious, but here are some non-obvious connections between multiple-party sex and Chassis Tech's 5-way digital sensor gauge: One, both horny girls and sensor settings should be easy to read; two, you should get feedback from all five at the same time; three, both are easy to mount on a dash or center console (okay, girls are easier to mount elsewhere in the car); and four, both should be thin and lightweight. Wow! The temperature gauge can measure each suspension corner as well as your tank at the same time, and it's readily available for any vehicle (I'm not sure the same can be said for girls). It has an indigo blue back light, and you can add optional custom-designed aluminum bezels to personalize your gauge. So head on over to www.chassistech.com to get yours or call (888) 761-1525.
Can You Baer It?
What would you do for Baer brake system for your Subbie? (You know, like the old Klondike commercials.) I'd glue all of my roommate's furniture to the ceiling, and then I'd tell him I was making room for our elephant; I'd ride a unicycle in chaps (with ass checks flapping in the breeze); I'd walk around the office with a bag of tomatoes and a sign that says: "Hit me with your best shot." I guess I'd do almost anything for these brakes. Baer introduces the Baer Claw for the Subaru WRX application. It's a direct bolt-on system that includes 13-inch directionally curved vane rotors, two-piston aluminum calipers with high metallic pads, Teflon-lined stainless-steel braided brake hoses, billet aluminum brackets and all fastening hardware. If that's not enough, upgrades include: cross-drilled, slotted, zinc-washed rotors; rear O.E. replacement rotors; polished or powder-coated calipers; and a variety of racing pads. Stop by www.baer.com or call (602) 233-1411 to pick up yours.
Bolt Me Up, Scottie
Some people can't wait until the days when we can teleport from point A to point B; I can. Besides knowing all of the atoms in my body would have to break down then travel through space and reconstruct themselves, it would mean my beloved import would sit in the garage gathering dust. So while scientists try to transport us in a human-blender fashion, I prefer to add performance parts to my car. One of my top picks is the dual friction clutch assembly for 2002 and later Nissan Sentras SE-R Spec V. The assembly is a direct bolt-on replacement and uses a patented ball-bearing fulcrum friction ring and dual friction clutch disk. It puts a little umph in your pedal while retaining a stock feel. Bolt over to www.centerforce.com or call (928) 771-8422 to get yours.
You shaved your doors, thus eliminating any door pockets, and removed all of the sound-deadening features like carpet. Now shit slides around in your truck and gets beat to hell. I should have bought a cargo storage bag from Creekside Products. They have sizes ranging from compact to full to fit every vehicle. The packs are made from heavy-duty, water-resistant polyester and feature side handles for easy carrying. Sizes include: the Cargo Mini-doesn't it hurt your self-esteem to order this?-the Cargo Pack, the Cargo Tray and the Cargo Tote. Obviously these were designed by a woman; I have no clue what the difference is between a tote and a pack. Scroll over to www.creeksideproducts.com or call (626) 280-0843 for yours.
We've Got The Beat. Yeah, We've Got The Racing Beat!Here are a few things Jimmy Buffet would have to say about the new Mazda6 exhaust system by Racing Beat (don't ask me how I know): Racing away in Mazda6-ville looking for my exhaust shaker of salt; but it's a real beauty, a stainless-steel cutie; all of that tubing and all of that oil. Okay, maybe some of those were a stretch. Here's the four-eleven on this muffler. The exhaust gas is routed through 1.6mm heavy-wall 2-inch tubing for superior exhaust flow. The exhaust also features a cast stainless-steel flange to seal the connection between the muffler and the stock parts. The end has a distinctive half-oval outlet tip. You know you're getting the best with Racing Beat, because the canister is designed specifically for the Mazda6. The company also added a touch of stealth by positioning the canister higher under the bumper. That'll help the next time you hit a pothole, speed bump or driveway. If you like to be heard before you're seen, this isn't the model for you. (Someone's got to keep their mods loud, because I need a decoy on the freeways.) If you know how to turn an end-wrench-a what?-then you'll be able to install this all by yourself. Race over to www.racingbeat.com or call (714) 779-8677.
Does your car belch clouds of smoke while you're parked at your local cruise spot? Do you want it to? If we piqued your curiosity, you'll be happy to know Autolc introduces its smoke screen kit. With the push of a button you can make a billow of smoke leak out of your tailpipe. It would be ideal for car shows, special effects, and getaways. Just image yourself almost surrounded by police. Instead of heavy ammunition at your side, you have your trusty Subaru and smoke screen button. While the cops are searching blindly for you and your car, you make the great escape-hey, it could happen (in a bad Western movie on A&E). The kit includes 1/8-inch copper tubing; compression fittings; base plate; 1/8-inch 12V heavy-duty valve; directions; and of course, one can of smoke screen. Please remember, this kit is intended for off-road purposes and shouldn't be used while the vehicle is in motion-yeah, right! To get yours check out www.autoloc.com.
I Want Maxima Power
We don't give much love to the Maxima, mostly because-well, actually I'm not sure why. If you want to pimp-out your Maxima, start with the Y-pipe from Custom Enterprises. It is a high-performance piece designed for 1995-'98 Maximas and provides the highest horsepower gain possible. Even better, the pipe is made from high-quality stainless steel with precise mandrel bends and tig welding. Custom Enterprises doesn't cut corners, so your Y-pipe will never sound like a heard of angry bees set up shop under your hood. The kit can be yours for two and a half bills. When swapping, remember your at-least-6-year-old car has at-least-6-year-old bolts. Point being they are probably rusted and will be difficult to reuse. But don't give up yet, Custom Enterprises also provides an installation kit for fourteen buck-a-roos. When you think about it, that's way cheaper than driving all over town (at $2.50 a gallon and buying parts). Y wait? Head over to www.customenterprise.com or call them directly at (800) 806-5798.
I Axle-Ly Need This
If Axl Rose ruled the world, hairspray stock would go through the roof, there would be a lot of rain in November and there would always be someone welcoming us to the jungle. If Hasport Performance ruled the world, every Civic and Integra would be fitted with its engine mounts and matching axel assemblies. The company's band-new axels have a chrome-molly center shaft, billet inner CV joint with an oversized tripod and a heat-treated billet outer CV. Each axle comes with removable ABS rings. Best of all, they are rated at 275 hp at the wheels. That's not enough, you say? Hasport can make custom axels that are rated at 800+ whp. That'll give you bragging rights, for sure. The axels are designed for 1984-'87 and 1988-'91 Civics and CRXs with B-series engines, 1992-2000 Civics and 1994-2001 Integras with B-, H- and K-series engines, and 2001 and newer Civics with K-series engines. They retail for four bills so count your couch change and call (602) 470-0065 to get yours.
I SRD Mama Kissing Santa Claus
Yank that stock crank and insert a new SRD lightweight crankshaft pulley. It's made especially for the Honda B-series engines. Each pulley was constructed with a CNC Machining Mazak Live Tool Turning Center from 6061-T6 billet aluminum. How does your new shaft stack up to the competition? SRD dyno tested it with a 1999 Civic Si with a JDM Civic Type-R swap, AEM cold air intake, four into two into one header, and A'PEXi cat-back exhaust. Even with these power mods, the Civic gained low-end torque, and high-end horsepower and torque. They realized peak gains of 6.2 hp and 2.8 lb-ft of torque. Basically, you can tell all your friends your crank is better than theirs. And, you'll save some green, because they retail for under $100. To crank out some more horsepower, head to www.superiorracing.com or call (888) 461-8805.
Theater On Wheels
In the left corner, weighing in at $1200 and some change, the defending champion, Directed Electronics 7-inch wide screen DVD all-in-one overhead system. In the right corner, all the way from Podunk, Idaho, is a cheesy knock-off video component. It's a knockout! Nothing compares to this system, because it has everything. Like a good woman, it is sleek, modern and easy-to operate, that is. It has a color LCD display, domelights, a built-in FM transmitter and infrared transmitter for wireless headphones. That's right, you'll never miss that one-second nipple shot because your headphones were blocking the screen. There's also an adjustable viewing angle, two AV inputs (so you will have to make a decision between the Xbox, PlayStation2 and Gamecube), and Dolby Digital sound quality. You might have to put it on a payment plan, but it's well worth it. Check out www.directed.com or call (760) 599-1325 for more details.
I Brake For Taco Bells
I was on the freeway last week participating in some "Nissan Playfulness." As my opponent and I slalomed down the 5, traffic halted. I brake-checked so hard I almost ruined my front spoiler. I was glad my brakes are both stylish and functional. I have 11-inch drilled and slotted rotors by FastBrakes. The company recently introduced its big-brake upgrade for the 2000 and newer Nissan Sentra SE, SE-R, Spec V, GX and GXE. The kit comes with four-piston calipers, rotors, aluminum adapter brackets, performance brake pads and front braided steel brake lines. The same kit will also work on 1989-'98 240 SXs. They cost $824.95 per pair, but they are a worthy investment. Cruise over to www.fastbrakes.com or call (602) 323-2110 for yours.
Strutting Around Town
I'm a model. You know what I mean? And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk. Sorry, bad '90s flashback. While Right Said Fred was definitely a one-hit wonder (maybe he was just too sexy for his time), Protocol is not. The company's new line of billet aluminum strut tower bars are hitting the streets and redefining cool. It's a direct bolt on, so installation is a breeze. They are available for many makes including: Honda, Acura, Toyota, Nissan, Mitsubishi and Subaru. The bars are also available in both front and rear models. You'll get a perfect fit because the struts are CAD designed and triple quality tested. Best of all, the struts are Adkins friendly with only 4 grams of net carbs. Okay, not really, but they are lightweight. The struts are backed by a limited-lifetime warranty. So strut your stuff over to www.protocol.com to grab yours.
Ready, Set, Race
The one thing I hate about NASCAR-okay there's a lot more than one, but the one I want to focus on-is how slow the pace car is. If you want to set the pace above 40 mph, you need to check out PaceSetter Performance Products at www.pacesetterexhaust.com. The company's new headers for the 1995-'99 turbocharged Mitsubishi Eclipse are designed to work with the stock turbo system. The headers use 1-5/8-inch diameter, 16-gague mandrel-bent steel tubing and CNC-machined flanges. You can sport yours in the standard black painted finish or the Armor Coat, a polished metallic-ceramic coating. It joins to the stock catalytic converter and includes all hardware, gaskets and instructions. It even comes with a three-year limited warranty. These headers provide cooler, smoother engine operation and increased performance. You'll be a smooth operator! Shell out $224.95, and they're all yours.
It's A Bird; It's A Plane; It's A Super Snatch.We puzzled over this product for a good 30 seconds before deciding we had no idea what is was, but we had to feature it. The product name alone, Safety Snatch, grabbed our attention. After a bout of laughter, we came up with our own ideas about what this product does:
1. It's a female condom. Hey, always be safe.
2. It's female stirrups. Just insert her feet through the rings.
3. It's a sex swing.
4. It's the S&M device they strung the gimp up with in Pulp Fiction.
5. It's female products for that time of the month.
6. It's a jump rope.
7. It's a belt for an obese person.
8. It's a funny picture that will make you giggle and think naughty thoughts.
9. According to the manufacturer, it's a snatch strap-I know it still makes melaugh, too-with anti-recoil safety straps on each end. These anti-recoil straps offer an extra layer of protection in case the mainstrap fails.
If you're looking to spice up your sex life, to go www.extremeoutback.com or call (866) 447-7711.