Three Cones Dead, Super Street Editor SuspectA Super Street editor, failing to take racing lessons seriously, took the life of three orange cones during a Mazda Rev It Up event in early April at Hollywood Park in Inglewood, California. Witnesses say the editor, who everyone called Raul, auto-crossed the new Mazda 6 sports sedan around the main track for two laps. On the first lap, he went into a raging fit, not knowing how to turn the corners properly, and plunged the Mazda 6 right into the three hard-working cones. Sources say the cones were the shiniest of the batch and loved to make sure a track was in place. "I feel sorry for the cones," said an anonymous witness. But the Mazda Rev It Up was the best driving event we've ever been to. There were Mazdaspeed cars, classroom sessions teaching you how to race, and the solo was even the shiznit! According to Mazda Rev It Up officials, "The cones will be missed, but you can't miss this event. This is the world's largest performance driving school and competitive driving event. It's a chance for anybody to get behind the wheel and race against the clock. In fact, the driver to post the highest score in each market will go on to a National Finals and be eligible to win a Mazda 6 as the grand prize. Of course, other prizes will be awarded locally. Oh, yeah, rest in peace, cones." The Mazda Rev It Up will be in Minneapolis, Minnesota; St. Louis, Missouri; and Chicago, Illinois, for the month of June, where cones will continue to risk their lives. To kill a cone near you, go to www.mazdarevitup.com or call 877/311-5771 to find out when Mazda Rev It Up will be in your town. Raul, or Roel, is now serving time at the Primedia Correctional Facilities. He had this to say: "Those cones were asking for it! But at least my time was the second best in the media class-39.770 seconds, baby! Woo hoo!"
Shrinking Cars Develop a Cult FollowingContinuing a trend that began appearing in mediocre Disney movies, Muscle Machines is now coming out with an SS Tuners line of die-cast mini vehicles featuring an 1:18-scale of an Acura RSX, laden with a strong roll call of aftermarket parts. In either white or orange, this RSX is sure to trigger a start of SS Tuners cults around the nation. "These cars are so solid," exclaims one anonymous cult leader. "I want to collect them all. They're hotter than the water in my Bunsen burner. I can't live without them!" Officials are worried that an upcoming 1:18-scale Nissan Skyline will cause major riots at Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, AutoZone, Toys R Us, Fred Meyer, Meijers, and Hobby Lobby, where they sell these models for $19.99. Even one online retailer is scared that its Web site, www.1StopDiecast.com, will crash when people hear that it also sells the hot cars. The good news during this mayhem is the sale of 1:64-scale SS Tuners, which already feature six types of vehicles, from the Honda Civic Si to the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution. These smaller versions are limited editions and are retailing for $2.99, a price most consider ridiculously low. One avid collector/expert says, "These SS Tuners are the next big thing since Super Street and will cause such a breakdown in familial relations, the earth will come to a standstill and these cars will rule the world!"