Usual Suspects - November 2001

Tyrone Rodriguez-Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This is a bad month for Capricorns. If you're stealing cable, be careful, as the cable company finally gets wise to the hours of Spankavision that you've been billing to your roommate's credit card. Surprises are just around the corner on the relationship front as well, as you'll discover that your dream girl had a beard and cut lumber in the Alaskan woods before his/her "procedure." Beware of shellfish and cured meats, as it seems you will be dodging a minefield of food poisoning.

Drew Hardin-Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If you're a Gemini, expect people from your past to resurface and ask you for money, spools of yarn, and hand soap. Entertain their requests whilst rubbing your left cheek with a small piece of red felt. This is the month you finally get down to the business of recording your very own self-improvement seminar in your garage. You'll encroach on Tony Robbins' territory as your 23 audio-cassette series entitled I Suck, You Suck shoots up the best-seller list, prompting a national craze of tasteless "mother" jokes, and Victorian-era cross-dressing.

Dorissss-Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar.20)
This month's lunar position indicates a good month for travel, or rather, fleeing. Fill your car with all your possessions, top it off with fuel, and drive all night until the tank is empty. Don't look in the rearview mirror, it's the police. If you had doused the corpse with gasoline instead of salad dressing, perhaps the dogs wouldn't have smelled it. Extradition from Brazil is nearly impossible and that Berlitz Portuguese language program on tape is only $9.95! Also, your best friend's girl will get pregnant after eating a suspicious glazed donut.

Snappers John Choi and Vladmir Valdes-Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Pay attention, Virgos, the stars indicate this is the perfect season to follow through on that bank robbery or other major felony you've been scheming. Worst case scenario: your life of crime gets turned into a book, then re-made as a TV movie, and you get a huge percentage of the DVD sales to enjoy upon your release in early 2025. In the meantime, be warned, your sister is replacing your hemorrhoid cream with Ben-Gay and telling your lady friends that you are a sock-stuffer. Make the change from boxers to the more supportive briefs you've been eyeing at the local mall.